Dick Diaries: Season 1 #01 - 'Jimmy Jimmy Cocoa Puff'

One dick at a time, until we're done

See that ❤️ icon? Give it a tap, and watch as a flock of songbirds serenade your loved ones with select tracks from Fantasia Barrino’s 2004 masterpiece ‘Free Yourself.’

Welcome to Season One, #01 of Dick Diaries.

This is a new series we’re starting, just for newsletter subscribers. The very first Dick Diary features ‘Jimmy Jimmy Cocoa Puff.’ We asked Jimmy some probing, and extremely personal questions that he was more than happy to answer. Jimmy is cut, long, with above average thickness and he’s jerked off, on average, 7 times a week.

We trust you’ll enjoy our inaugural Dick — we have some fun ones coming up, so consider upgrading below so you can read them in their full glory.

FYI, we reveal who Jimmy belongs to at the bottom of the post.

xoxo

Tom & Abi

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☑️ How should we address your penis?

Jimmy Jimmy Cocoa Puff.

✏️ Please draw a picture of Jimmy and paste it below?

📓 Give us your stats, length and girth?

It’s been a long time since I’ve owned a ruler, but approximately 8.5 inches, above average thickness and penis shaped?

✂️ Cut or uncut? Are you happy with what was or wasn’t done?

I’m cut, and in hindsight it may have been nice to be consulted first, but I harbor no ill will toward the medical practices of the nineties.

💯 If cut, is it a clean cut? Are the aesthetics, aesthetic?

As clean as a guillotine! I can’t say I ruminate on it as often as I do, let’s say… The French Revolution? But I’m certainly not mad about it. 

🪞 If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Some sort of exciting ejaculate? Nacho cheese? Coca Cola Slurpee? Vanilla Milkshake? Something tasty and indulgent!

😠 Sensitive soul or do you like it rough?

In the immortal words of Ilana Glazer: ‘I hate pain. I loooooove pleasure.’

🕳️ Last hole you entered, where, when, who?

For the privacy of the individual, I shan’t name names, but it was at an erotic body painting photoshoot turned orgy.

📸 Celebrity crush? Please paste below a photo of the last famous person to make your blood start pumping:

Bisexual icon and daddy of the ages Pedro Pascal, do you really need a photo, you kinky minx. Specifically as Oberyn if we’re getting specific.

🦨 Are you a stinky pinky or do you keep clean?

Don’t see how this pertains to me, but if you want to talk to my butthole, I could definitely hook you up.     

😊 Where are you happiest?

In bed, in sweatpants watching a riveting HBOMax dramatic limited series on April 25th when it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need’s a light jacket!

☔ How do you feel about condoms? Are you a fan or do you prefer to go raw?

Listen, condoms serve an amazing purpose, but I think we all know what’s good (especially with the significantly lessened threat of accidentally getting someone pregnant).

📏 How do you feel about the concept of 'size matters'? Do you think it's overrated or do you believe in it?

Speaking as an above average peen, big penises are stupid. I prefer a reasonable sized gal who knows what they’re doing and will buy me sushi, any day. 

🎥 Please paste a photo of the famous person to first make you stand up straight when you were a teenager:

The black velvet dress that Angelina Jolie wore to the 2008 Oscars.

🎤 If you could talk to any other body part, which one would you choose and why?

My liver, just to check in, see how she’s holding up.

💦 How many times are you jerked off each week?

I hope this doesn’t paint me as a Menonite, but like 7? I guess?

🫶 Who was the last person who treated you right, and what did they do?

I would tell you, but I had to sign an NDA

🎭 Do you ever get stage fright, or are you always ready for your big performance?

Stanislovsky hasn’t let me down yet.

💦 Do you have any tips for lasting longer during sex, or are you more of a 'quick draw' type of penis? 

Anytime I’m flying too close to the sun, I start to think about how my dad’s childhood best friend was found dead, naked in a trunk whacked by the mob. That usually does the trick.

🤗 Please reveal who you belong to below: